Part 22: The ESRB is Going Crazy

Hello everyone. Today's update is another shortie, though it does helpfully divide the abortion clinic into two sections, the sane part and the not-so-sane part. So apologies to all you who were expecting crazy shit to go down today. That will happen on Monday.



Shall we?



: Hi, here for an abortion? It's okay, don't be scared. The first one's always the scariest. Take room A, second door on your left.



: I'm sorry, your little friend will have to wait out here.

: Guess I'm staying out here. I'll be with you in spirit.
: All you, dude. I'll be right here.
: All right, you take it from here, Douchebag. You have to learn how to do things for yourself SOME time.
: (Oh no, you have to go it alone! Be brave.)
: It appears my services won't be needed here. You go ahead.
: I'll wait right here. Don't forget about me.

: I don't know why anyone would want to have an abortion looking like THAT.
: Don't worry, our doctor is really friendly. He's known as the Patch Adams of abortions.

I recognize that Patch Adams and the Patch Adams played by Robin Williams are two completely different things. However, when I hear the "Patch Adams of abortions" all that comes to mind is the clown that Robin portrayed in the movie.



Why does the fetus in that picture look like Mr. Mackey?



SECURITY: ACCESS RESTRICTED TO PHYSICIANS ONLY.

Guess we'll have to come back later.



This is a little farther to the left.



Yes, that is a bloody tampon being used as a grenade. That's really fucking gross. Though on the upside, the IV Needle is a patch that adds 3 stacks of bleeding on hit.



No going any farther here. Operating Room A was where we needed to go anyway.

Video:

: Hi, I'm Doctor Poonlover. Get on up in the chair and this won't take long at all. Hey, little young to be having an abortion, aren't we? It's okay, we have a booster seat.





: Alright, just sit back and relax. We'll get that fuck trash taken right out of you. Here we go.



We're playing a crossdressing 9 year old who is about to get an abortion. It's a small wonder this game didn't get rated AO.



It's possible to fail here. I've never done it, but there is text for failing.

: Hey, that's not a fetus, that's a prostate.

You then die from having your prostate sucked out of your asshole with an abortion machine. I have a lot of questions about his competency as a doctor, but giving voice to them then means I've been thinking too hard about a South Park game.

Anyway, the dying thing never happens because I can press A for 10 seconds straight.







: What the... wow, never seen THAT before. You burned out the vacuum! I'm gonna have to get this thing fixed. Be back in a minute.



Let's get the hell out of here. These scrubs in the back of the room are inexplicably child sized.



All three pieces of this outfit give combat bonuses against fetus enemies. No points for guessing what we're going to be doing soon-ish.



SECURITY: ACCESS GRANTED. THANK YOU, DOCTOR.



There's a couple file cabinets in here with various pieces of loot. Nothing really worthwhile, though. The video I linked above shows what they are, but prepare to be disappointed.





There are two hires versions of this available here and here. Now, my French isn't exactly the greatest because I only took 1 semester in high school, and that was nearly 14 years ago. However, I'm fairly certain this has no identifying information whatsoever. It appears the records are just saying "5 women this month for an abortion" or "3 this month for a consultation."

I'm assuming the game takes place in roughly the same month it was released - that is to say March of 2014. The signs around town say the Taco Bell is coming Summer 2014, and the nice government men are saying the construction will only take a few weeks. These records are from September and October of 2013.

Again, I'm thinking way too hard about a South Park game. I should probably stop doing that.







: Agh! Dammit! Oh, it's YOU! Thank God! Something STRANGE is going on here! The PTA reviewed that tape you got us. The Taco Bell has something called a Plan B. They've been here looking through these records.



: But... why would they be interested in the gynecological files of the women of South Park?

: I'm afraid now you know too much.



: We have two more asking a lot of questions.



: Deal with them QUIETLY. We can't let anyone find out what we were doing there.



: Before you kill us tell us why. Why is Taco Bell taking the records of women's vaginas in South Park?



: I'm picking up some hot readings on the ESRB.
: Tell us! What do women's vaginas and Doritos Locos Tacos have in common?!
: The ESRB is going crazy!



: Oh shit! There's an outbreak here! WE HAVE CONTAMINATION IN SECTOR SEVEN! ALL UNITS TO SECTOR SEVEN NOW!



: Secure the entire building! Put that woman in restraints.
: Aaaugh!



: What's going on?
: Taco Bell security. Your clinic is infected with the Nazi Zombie Virus.
: Nazi zombies?! That's ridiculous! AND bigoted! I happen to be German!
: HE'S ONE OF THEM!



: (screams)



: Tell people... what you saw here today.



: Watch out, dude. A bunch of soldiers just blocked off the clinic. We'll find some other way to get to you.
_{Kyle likes this.}

: (from outside; muffled) Let's go! Quarantine the place!

Well this went to shit quickly. The only way out is in the back of the room.



Luckily we can shrink at will. No idea where Randy got off to, but that's probably for the better. Let's worry about ourself first.



: There's something crawling under the floor, sir!
: Where are they?
: Do you hear anything in there?



This is a "stealth" section. I put stealth in quotes because nothing changes gameplay-wise except for one thing.



: Take him out!
: There! Open fire!
: SHOOT THE FLOOR!

You can make the pipes rattle and the soldiers helpfully take out the encounters down here.



I messed this one up, but the only "punishment" is we have to fight some enemies, and the soldiers above can't hear the combat down here. Nazi zombie underpant gnomes aren't very tough, by the way.







Normally I don't like using knives, but we've been using the Manbearpig Claw for a while now, so let's change it up some.









Oh boy. I'm gonna end the update here. Those of you who have played the game will understand exactly why. Those of you who don't know? You're in for a treat on Monday.

See y'all then.